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| Alan Stemworth Technical Engineering | |||
| 58 Constitution St | |||
| Wallingford, CT 6492-3825 | |||
| Click here to end further messaging. |
I was eight years old when she forbade me to do it. My grandmother Martha was then a widow in her early fifties. I am not sure about her exact age then. When she saw me standing behind a tree in the backyard, she made her way quickly over to me, and said in no uncertain terms. ?I absolutely forbid you to ever mention what you have seen today. As long as I live, I don't want anyone in the family to say they heard you talk about this. Do you understand, Donald?? I hesitated for maybe a second and a half, and she said again, a little louder this time. ?Do you understand, Donald?? I nodded repeatedly, touching chin to chest, to show her that I understood and would obey.
Grandmother Martha was then the matriarch of the family. To my knowledge, not my father George or any of his brothers, Elliot or Frank ever contradicted her or disobeyed what she told them to do. I had heard that they were ?a little wild' in their teenaged years, but dad told me that their mother had ?straightened them out.? Their father was more ?live and let live', plus he knew that his wife would see to the problem much better than he could or even wanted to.
Their father died when he was just 50. Fortunately, my grandmother had a good job as an accountant, and made enough money to pay for herself, and to send her three boys to university, paying tuition, places in residence, and gave them spending money that ?you are not to spend on wasteful things, just what you absolutely need.?. Two of them became accountants, my father a high school teacher, strange concerning the way that he had acted, himself, when he was teenager, or so grandma told me.
I was allowed to stay with her for a week during the summers when I was 11 to 13. Every time that I was dropped off by one of my parents, she would greet me with an intense look, as if she was seeing right through me. The question she didn't have to ask but still did, was ?You are keeping your promise to me. You are well aware that I will know if you are lying to me. I will see it in your eyes.? I was pretty sure that what she was speaking was the truth when she said that. Still, I told her that I had not told a soul.
When I was a fully-fledged teenager, I would sometimes visit her on weekend nights when I had nothing planned. I knew that she would ask me about my homework. I didn't lie when I said it was done. I knew that she would be able to detect it if I wasn't telling the truth. We would have a good time when I visited her those nights. We had pretty much the same taste in music, and we both would sing along with some of the songs that I knew she would like. As I said, we had a good time, for several good reasons.
Once I graduated from high school, she funded my university costs, like she had for my dad, but hadn't done for any of my cousins, who had never spent much time with her. She was long retired then and didn't have the money that she once had. And I became a teacher, just like my father had done. She was pleased with what I had become.
The Funeral
A little after I got hired by a local school, my grandmother died. It broke my heart. She was long a good friend to me, especially after the day of the promise. Shortly thereafter, my father said he needed to talk to me about a ?very serious subject'. ?Well, Donald (he never called me ?Don' like most other people did), I have been talking with the family, and they want you to organize the funeral, as you were the closest one in the family with her. What do you think??
I thought that a strange situation, and an even stranger request, but I agreed to do it anyway. And I figured that she had definitely earned a good funeral. The first thing I thought of was what music would be played, the music that she and I had shared years ago. I knew not everyone would be happy with that, but I didn't really care, and I knew she wouldn't have cared either.
On the day of the funeral I had everything set up the best that I could. It was something beyond my experience. I only had been at a few funerals before this time, and that was only as an observer, not a player. As I scurried about doing some last minutes fixing up of the arrangements, I heard people saying some pretty nasty things about Grandma Martha, calling her authoritarian, boring, nasty, no fun at all, always keeping to herself. This was not the grandmother that I knew at all.
My Turn to Speak
It was my turn to speak, the concluding turn. As I looked at the many faces, I could see from their restlessness, that they were hoping that I would not take long. I began with the usual stuff that is said, and then with the lack of response coming from those allegedly listening, I made a difficult decision. ?I am going to break a promise I made to Grandma Martha when I was a child. It concerns something that she had forbidden me to do. I was eight and she was in her early fifties. Granpa Jack had been dead for less than a year. It was a Saturday afternoon in the summer. I decided to walk over to her place, maybe have one of her fine lunches. She did not answer the door when I knocked. I first thought that she might be away from home Then I heard the sound of loud music and began to smell something different in the air. I walked through the gate in the fence beside the house. What I saw made me hide behind the big tree in the yard. There was Grandma Martha. She was not alone, and she was not standing still There were a couple of young men there as well. They were dancing to rock music of the 1960s and 1970s, smoking up or certainly having done so shortly before, judging by their behaviour. The smell in the air I would learn was marijuana. Grandma Martha would change dance partners with each song. And they didn't just dance, they kissed and generally made out rather relentlessly. This would happen with each of her dance partners, one after the other.
Then she saw me and disentangled herself from her current partner, marched rather quickly over to me and made me never to tell a soul, particularly not a family member. But she used the phrase ?as long as I live?, so thought that I could tell you now.
That was the beginning of my truly close relationship with Grandma Martha. We shared a love for the same music and having the occasional toke now and then. I wanted you to know that she was not merely the strict person you thought she was. She was much more than that, and always will be so in my mind.?
Why does she keep coming back, I sigh with a mixture of grief and resentment. It's like I am suffocating and she is the one stealing my breath from me. My ability. This is devastating, I hate her, but I love her. How do you do this to me? It must be magic, maybe I should go see a witch doctor or something see if they can diagnose me or some shit! "You're joking right?" Bella exclaimed. Almost mocking my paranoia. Bella stared me down, "She didn't put a spell on you fuckin hypochondriac, You are a simp, and you let a gold digger fall in love with your hand, so when you did hit rock bottom she abandon ship and it's your fault how do you count red flags and say everything will be fine?" I started to tear up a little bit, "well I mean she does hit me up sometimes." "Your love malnourished, neglected ass thinks any kindness, no let me rephrase that, any "attention" is love like come on love what is wrong with you! this bitch is brutal any attention is fine with you and that's honestly your toxic trait and you need to like figure out your shit so you can get a grip and show this bitch what karma looks like, nobody is sad to lose a sad sap you just look like extra baggage that stayed to long. You need to pull yourself together, besides I thought you said you couldn't talk to her? lying to our selves now ? not following through with our promises now ?"
I looked up very irritated, "no Bella stop being a sarcastic dick this shit hurts. She keeps coming back in and out leaving all the time she comes back and shows me all this lov- Bella Chimes in, "aka LOVE BOMBING the shit out of you!" "yeah ! and I fall for it every time because my heart is starved, obviously I know what's happening after being fooled the first six times" "oh jeez" Bella throws her face into her hands and just gives me this pity stare, "come on bella dont give me those eyes." "Well I am tired of seeing my bestfriend heart broken, this girl is literally the spawn of satan dressed in cute clothes and a nice face, this chick is sweet but just until she gets you to chase the carrot into the ditch !"
" If you haven't noticed yet I am here to enlighten you my friend that she is no good for you."
" She wouldn't just keep promising me all these beautiful things if she didn't mean it"
"mm pause she will, she will do just that, that's literally what she does! that is her thing! how are you not picking that up by now?" "Take the blinders off bro." "Don't you think I have tried to do that when she comes back? My heart gets so wrapped in the love I just want to forget about all the bad things. Bad things have happened for so long to me Bella I just want something good for once to happen."
"Well Babe, I can guarantee you that she will not be the good thing. She is a foul human being who comes back sees your in pain and adds more, is that really what you want? You deserve so much more than that."
" Do I ? It seems like that's all I ever get and at least she's nice to me sometimes"
"yeah, so nice(Bella looks at me like an idiot) while she literally steals money out of your account, and sleeps with other people, Fucks your friends and blames it on being drunk, hardly ever sober so she can literally blame all her fucked up actions on the crazy juice and gets you sick and she blames it on you when you know you're being loyal, or how about when she got pregnant and left you for 6 months ? You finally met someone new and they were actually making you happy and taking your mind off the bullshit that she put you through and then you go fuck that girl over for that girl who fucks you over right back and it's like what did you expect?!"
" I know she loves me bella, my karma is standing in my way and she keeps coming back showing me what kind of person I HAVE BEEN, yes I know she loves me and she can't understand why she is doing the bad things she is doing to me but it's me it's the person I have been to people, I have hurt people like this and now I am learning my lesson through her because I wouldn't learn it any other way because my heart drowns in love for her. It stresses me out because I don't want to learn my lessons with anybody else, but she doesn't want to be the person to teach me the lesson, so she keeps her self forbidden and every chance I get that she runs to me one of us hurts the other to the point where we go weeks even months sometimes until speaking again and I can tell you I miss my heart, the universe is involved in rewiring how my brain works so that I can give her the life she and I deserve. I didn't cherish her enough when I had her"
Bella Scoffs hold on let me stop you right there asshole you literally canceled plans for this chick and gave her pedastal treatment so how can someone just go about doing all these fucked up things to you. I sat back and I put my head to the sky and stared at it for a few minutes and I said because this is my punishment to understand why everything is happening, but nobody else around will see the depth of it which will drive me absolutely mad because it's almost impossible to heal from this when you still happen to see a destination on the other side of the storm, but nobody else can see it not even the person you're fighting for, even though they're fighting for you the same way they are just as blinded by their demons as you, and life just rips two lovers apart viciously. What hurts is I don't want to become attached to anybody, but I have such a high sex drive and a beautiful imagination that I want to play out my kinks when I am young so I fuck multiple people so I don't fall in love with anybodies intimacy more than the one who stole my heart and is busy cleaning up her demons." tears start falling down my cheek and a knot tied in my knot from the realization of the part I played in losing the love of my life.
"I know I sit with it all the time why not just stay celibate, why not just stay by myself, well this is where I started learning I had a genuine problem with seeking love and attention in all the wrong places and then I got stuck wrapped in wondering if maybe she was never suppose to stay with me in the first place instead break me so deeply to a point never reached getting a hold of the inner slut in me and quiet her and nurture her so she can settle down and focus on something else to birth besides a child or orgasmic screams. I think this is deeper than daddy issues this is straight up neglect leading to someone who just wants to ravish a slut like a vampire to orgasms. Almost necessary to survive, driven by passion, a different kind of abuse a kind that sat with you even after you left the scene. It crept up on you while you were sleeping and forced your eyes open to search for another body to touch, another person to please because the one I was in love with was busy with somebody else and to think my heart wanted to keep a promise to stay in love while just being pleased by multiple people, it broke something in my heart because all I did was spread myself thin and beg for attention that wasn't due to me."
Now as I sit in realization I come to find that maybe being alone isn't as bad as I've made it seem. Life is peaceful like that, but my heart is hurting from the past and I have been looking for someone else to show me love I want to start a life with someone. I really screwed myself over. I started a life with my first love and I left her for a Gold digger who left me when I broke my wallet. emotionally abused, introduced to new pains I had never even thought existed all because of this person I keep claiming to love. Maybe she is the variable for my change in trajectory, but she did it in such a negative way that it made me soar into positive territory. I wouldn't accept the bad treatment anymore so I finally started attracting good , trustworthy, loving , and nurturing people towards me. I may be alone, but at least I have a beautiful support system, and a mind of beautiful ideas, I guess I finally have time to work on becoming successful. One day none of this will matter to me and I can not wait for that big sigh of relief to set me free. For now, Thank you Bella for not giving up on me during the constant emotional rollercoaster I kept getting sucked back into, You're a real one.
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