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I should not have revealed that to her I should have kept that secret as I had done for five months. Why did I not control myself? There were many entrances to her heart. But I chose the blocked one. I couldn't think beyond that. I ruined my work on my own. Now I feel ashamed of my folly and foolishness. But the truth is that I was in seventh standard at that time with my underdeveloped brain. I had no ability to think of right or wrong.
No one more gorgeous than her have I ever seen in my life. She had a magical effect on me which remained forever. Whenever she appears in my mind, I thank my eyes who have captured her so beautifully, focusing on her smile.
Despite the fact that I loved her, I made her feel ashamed. I was such a stupid. I hate myself as much as, or rather more than, I love her.
We shouldn't have made fun of her in that way. David and I wanted to have fun by mocking her, but her tears made me dejected. I regretted as if I had committed the biggest mistake of my life. I wanted to undo that. I felt like chilled water was being showered over my forehead. I felt like saying sorry to her, for that I had to admit my guilt first, which might have infuriated her. And perhaps I would have to clean her spoiled dress, which was not as easy as to say sorry.
The teacher was trying again and again to repress her emotion, but tears were oozing repeatedly out of her eyes as water was dripping from a tap. Her eyes were turning all around the class to find out the one who had done that with her. My heart once got out of control when she turned her eyes on me, but immediately took them off. I was filled with a complete sense of guilt. But it was not the same in the case of David. He was rather enjoying it. His face had a notorious ray of light on it, though he was more guilty than me. It was he who did that prank. And I witnessed that. I tried to stop him. But he convinced me to join him in his stupid idea. I, at that time, thought that it would be amusing. But it resulted in my disappointment. Her heartbreak broke my heart too. I don't know of David's, but my intention was not to make her weep but to embarrass her.
After school was over, I went home with a heavy heart. My mind got dull. It often wandered back to the classroom incident when David had kept some amount of blue ink on her bench, and after a few minutes of it she, after the lunch break, entered the classroom and put her hips on the corrupted bench, not noticing the ink on it. At that moment, David and I controlled our laughter with great difficulty. But after she saw that and started whimpering, I felt regret no less than the tragic heroes of William Shakespeare.
Next day I went to David before the period started. We both laughed a lot. But for me it was very hard to laugh. He recreated the whole scene amusingly through his words.
"How were the two spotted hips?" he asked and continued," I hope you too would have enjoyed it."
"Very funny, indeed," I replied with a heavy heart,"but that was not fair. If someone would have done that with one of us, then ?.?"
"We don't have hips like that." he said and laughed.
"Be serious, please. Her dress was totally spoiled. What would she wear now ?" I expressed my disappointment.
"Why are you feeling pity for her?"
"Because we did wrong with her. She wept a lot. We can't understand how bad she felt. We shouldn't have done that."
"Forget about it." He didn't take that seriously.
"We should tell her the truth and ask for forgiveness," I suggested,"she might forgive us."
"Don't be stupid, let's go to the classroom."
"Listen, please. What's wrong in it? We have made a mistake, so we should say sorry."
"Are you a fool!" he scolded me, "was it a mistake?"
I kept quiet. After a silence of about thirty seconds,he added, "we should not let her know about it. It was not a mistake, it was a prank. She will tell it to the teacher, and we will be then punished for it," he explained to me.
I had nothing to say further, so kept quiet. Because I also had a mixed thought about it.
"Promise me that you would never tell it to anyone. Promise, please," he insisted.
"Okay, I promise." I had to say it with a heavy heart.
We both went to the classroom. We didn't find her there.
"She hasn't come today," David told me with a grin on his lips. "It means she has only one school dress."
He looked very excited. I don't know why he always wanted to make fun of her. I was more concerned about her feelings than her dress.
"Her dress can't be the cause of her absence," I thought. "She felt very bad. Don't know when she will come now?"
I wanted to tell him not to say any offensive words about her. But I didn't. He might have guessed my feelings for her. And I didn't want to make fun of my love. I had been waiting for the right time to propose to her for many days. But I still couldn't manage to get a good chance for it. And the situation had now deteriorated. It was not good to do it at that moment.
So I thought to postpone my idea.
This incident made her stay away from school for three days. How I spent these three days is not easy for me to describe. I waited desperately for her.
"Wow!" I uttered with a surprise.
She finally appears, after three days and nights, to me, when she was gossiping with her friends in a new dress, in a new mood , and in a new incarnation. Her appearance brought a smile on my face.
"She might have forgotten everything," I thought.
She looked very happy, perhaps, because of her new dress. Her cheeks seemed a little bit bloated like a little white balloon.
During all the periods, I kept my attention to her. I noticed furtively all her activities. She was doing like a little girl. Every girl was trying to get her attention.
They were curiously asking many questions to her, like about her new dress. She was happily responding to everyone. She seemed in a little bit trouble, but she was trying her level best not to disappoint anyone. She was very busy that day. There was no space for me to talk to her.
Two or three girls were very close to her. She spent most of the time with them. In boys, I was the luckiest one whom she cared for. There was hardly anyone in the classroom who was not interested in her. Every boy wanted to talk to her. But I was the craziest one. She also used to invite only me whenever she needed any help. If by chance I had not been there, this chance would have gone to David, who seemed to be the least interested in talking to her, but the most interested in making fun of her. He was completely different from others. I found him sometimes doing many crazy things, like playing pranks on girls, chasing them to the bathroom, and doing knowingly wrong to them and after that asking for apology. And Evie was her first target.
On the other side, I wanted to spend time with her. I made a plan everyday how I was going to deal with her that day. If nothing happened that day, very hardly could I manage to sleep that night.
I waited till the lunch break to talk to her. Finally, I saw her sitting alone in the schoolyard. I went to her from her backside.
"Hi, Evie !" I greeted with a slight hesitation.
She turned to me and smiled.
"Hello, Steve! How are you?" She asked.
"I'm fine. And you?"
"I'm fine too."
"You look awesome," I admired as if I was desperate to say it.
"Thank you," She responded. " How is my dress?" She asked with an expectation of administration in her eyes.
"Superb!" I replied and added, "you are the centre of attraction today."
She giggled and thanked me.
"You should thank him who bought you this dress," I said in a jovial way.
" Who? My father! I have already thanked him," she asserted.
" No, I meant who spoiled your old dress to make it easier for you to buy a new one."
She smiled and said, " I should kill him."
" Are you still angry with him?" I asked, expecting a negative answer.
"Whoever has done it will have to pay for it," She said, this time with a different tone. " He is a very bad guy. I will definitely revenge on him if I get to know who he is He will get his punishment."
Her words went on being furious. Though I had not done it, only had witnessed, I felt like her words were attacking me, as she was saying looking at me.
I repressed my emotions and agreed with her. The period of lunch got over. We went to the classroom.
Five months had passed since that incident, and I still didn't get the right chance to propose to her. I wanted to let her know something about me before I proposed. I thought it would be better if she developed some feelings for me. I tried many tricks to do it but to no avail. I then decided to tell her the truth, and through it to win her heart.
"She will definitely start liking me if I tell her everything about that incident," I thought. "She will like my honesty. And there is less probability that she will get angry with me because I am not the main villain of that act. She would rather appreciate me."
David was, of course, my friend, but I was ready to sacrifice this friendship for the sake of my love for her. But I tried my best to save this friendship too.
One day I found her wandering in solitude. I went to her and asked for her permission to come with her. After greeting each other, I immediately came to the main point.
" Promise me that you won't tell anyone, then I will tell you something that you are searching for." I said to her in a joyful manner, as if I was going to do something very important in my life.
"I am searching !" She got puzzled." For what?" She asked.
"First you promise that you won't tell anyone." I insisted.
" Okay, I promise," she said hurriedly to know. "Tell me now, for what?"
"For the culprit who had spoiled your dress." I said and expected that it would create curiosity in her But she responded differently.
"Oh! About that idiot!" She exclaimed lightly. "But I am not looking for him. I have forgotten about that. And I even forgave him." She said while departing from me.
"How can she forget about that!" I thought in surprise. "I have no chance. Nothing works. Why does such a stupid idea come in my mind?"
I lost my confidence and felt a horrible shock.
"By the way, who had done that?" She then asked, turning back.
I grinned, looking at her. I approached her.
"He who you won't believe about." I said in a jealous manner. I never had been jealous of David like this. But I had to take advantage of most of the possible things.
"Tell me the name," she insisted.
"David," I said.
"What!" She exclaimed.
My confidence got a new energy.
"Yes, it was David." I said.
I told her the whole incident.
"I will take revenge on him," she said in a casual manner and added, "I will punish him."
I became happy, not because David was to be published, but because she trusted me.
"But remember about your promise," I reminded her.
"Don't worry," she reassured me. " I will do to him as he did to me." She said and departed.
Since the day I told her she started following David. I waited for the moment when she was to play prank on him. But Nothing happened till the next two months. I wanted to see David being tricked as he used to do it to others. And more than that, I wanted to celebrate the victory with her. I kept one eye on them, wishing to witness that moment. My excitement increased whenever I saw both of them being together I sometimes asked her what she had planned. She then reassured me that she had a good plan.
One day, after the school was over, I saw Evie and David talking to each other outside the classroom. I was looking at them from the window of the classroom. I focused on her smile. She seemed very sweet. I imagined myself kissing her. I was about to leave, then saw her beckoning him to follow her. I first wanted to ignore it, but couldn't. I thought that if something happened, I would miss that. She took him towards the library. I followed them, being careful not to be seen. I hid behind a bookshelf, from where I was comfortable to observe both of them easily. They sat on the chair. She took two books, one gave him and the other kept in her hand. There were many boys and girls around, reading and looking for books. Evie and David continued talking to each other, not giving attention to their books. Nothing was happening as I expected. After a few minutes, I noticed that most of the students had gone. They both seemed to be waiting for the rest to leave. I sensed that they had some secret plans to do. But I was still optimistic that she had not forgiven him. I waited and watched patiently from onwards.
All had gone except them and me. She walked around to see if someone was there. I hid myself well. She went back and sat there. She kept looking at him, but he was pretending to read. The silence had made its entry over there. David was trying to be calm. I had never seen him so fake. She felt his nervousness and picked up her book. She also pretended to read, letting the awkward situation be calm. I also felt uncomfortable.
After a silence of about two minutes, I observed her saying something to him, but it was very hard for me to listen even a single word clearly. David only smiled, and didn't even look at her. She looked impatient for something to happen. She pushed her chair close to his. He remained silent. I don't know if I was aware of what was happening there. She suddenly lost her patience and attacked him. She left her chair and sat on his thigh and forced him to be calm, encircling his neck by her arms, while kissing him. He panicked. He took a few seconds to sense what was happening to him. And then he also reacted. They both stood up. David held Evie very tight in his arms. She then became completely out of control. I couldn't believe her doing so. She looked there mature enough to do so with two growing immature boobs. I was puzzled and perplexed, unable to think what to do. I felt like going to stop them, but I didn't. This continued for two minutes. After they finished, they adjusted their dress and picked up their bags, and hurriedly went out.
I had nothing left to follow them. I stayed there for a while, thinking about what had happened in front of me.
" Was it her revenge on him?" I thought. "If I knew that she would take revenge in this way, I would have taken his fault on me."
Inspiration:
?I feel bare. I didn't realize I wore my secrets as armour until they were gone and now everyone sees me as I really am.?
? Veronica Roth, Insurgent'
I've worked so hard to keep it hidden?days after days of constant stress and headaches. Constant worries and being so skittish. I had avoided hanging out with them, my friends, just in case they caught on, just in case I was a bit too obvious. Yet somehow, they still found out.
I don't know how or when it happened, but they began to look at me differently, looked at me like they knew. I didn't think they knew. I thought they were just acting weird, maybe a bit on edge from all the changes happening these days. But no, they knew my biggest secret. They confronted me in the hall after AP bio.
?Is it true?? I stood there, silent, shell-shocked.
What was I supposed to say? The truth? I couldn't. It was horrible and awkward, and they looked so judgemental. The worst part was, I didn't stay. I didn't even reply; I didn't want to see their reaction. I did run, though, so I'm pretty sure they already knew the answer to their question.
Why would I run if I was going to say no? I ran and ran and ran some more. I didn't stop running until I got home This can't be happening, I thought. There's no way they could've found out. I was so discreet! Or, well, so I thought.
That night, both my phone and laptop blew up with calls, messages and notifications. People I didn't even know were asking if it was true. Some of them even accused me of more wild things, things I never and will never do. It was their fault. My friends, I mean. If it weren't for them, the secret wouldn't have gotten out.
It was bad enough they knew, and now they were spreading it around the whole school? It's like no one in this town has any shame. I rechecked my phone and saw that it was all over Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, even people's Snapchat stories. I started to hyperventilate. I remember thinking, please God, don't let this be a panic attack. That's the last thing I need right now, more pressure. And yet, I found myself stepping backward until my shoulders hit the wall, and I slid to the floor. I don't know why I was panicking so much.
My breathing became shallow, and my chest tightened. How had this day gone so wrong? I looked down to see my hands shaking. I wasn't even cold. This world seemed to slow around me, and all I could think was, oh my god, they know. I didn't realize I was crying until much later when my breathing began to slow down, and I felt the tears running down my cheeks. I reached up to wipe them away.
It was hot in my room, suffocating me, choking me even. The problem was that it was the middle of winter, and I was wearing a nightgown, so there wasn't a reason for me to be hot. I had no concept of time, but I knew that it wasn't dark out when I first got home, so I knew that more than a little time had passed. I checked the clock on my nightstand. Three hours? I'd never been so out of it for that long.
It was quiet, too quiet. I don't know what I expected, though. Sirens? Footsteps? The creak of a door? No one came looking for me, and no one cared, so why did I expect someone to walk through the door and tell me everything was going to be okay? I craved comfort I yearned for someone to block out the rest of the world for me, to distract me, especially right now. I knew that wasn't going to happen, though. I had to deal with it myself. I picked myself up off the floor and brushed invisible dust from my clothes. I took a deep breath and decided it was time to face the music.
With none of my dignity left to spare, I turned my phone on and took it off ?do not disturb.' A flood of notifications came rolling in?one after the other, all asking the same question. The only thing is, do I deny it? Or do I embrace the truth and say, ?fuck it, I don't care what you all think.'
I contemplated backing out, retreating, and ignoring it all. I seriously considered running away because, not gonna lie, Bali sounded like a way better place to be at the moment. I sighed. Who was I kidding? Running away from my problems is not going to fix them.
I had to cut it out with the whining and the self-pity. Nothing would get fixed if I just sat around and prayed for people to forget all day. I took action. By action, I mean, I addressed the situation by posting on Twitter.
?Hi, everyone. Um, I just wanted to clear some things up. There's been screenshots and rumors going around, and I just wanted to let you guys know that it's true. Yeah, I'm gay. And what about it? Honestly, if you're mad, I do not care. Actually, I couldn't care less. So yeah, that's all, have a nice night, I guess.''
And I posted it. Immediately after it went through, I got a slur of comments, some good, some bad.
` That's a lie. There were more bad than good, but what can you expect from my small homophobic Georgia hometown. There are people out there who gain satisfaction from others' pain and demise. It's quite sad to imagine that the only way you could feel good about yourself was by making someone else feel horrible about themselves.
I would feel bad for those people, but I honestly don't have the energy for sympathy. Besides, it's not like they deserve it anyway. I guess I really can't trust my so-called ?best friends'
They outed me, and not even by accident either. I guess they couldn't handle being ignored, or maybe they wanted to get payback for something petty that happened in seventh grade. Either way, I hate them. I'll get better friends eventually if I feel like it.
I've spent so long dodging questions and avoiding people to seem less suspicious. I thought the less we talked, the less of a chance they'd find out. If anything, it was the opposite. The only thing my actions did was raise suspicion, which is the exact thing I did not want to happen.
In the end, I realize that maybe avoiding people and acting suspiciously probably isn't the best way to avoid conflict. Maybe. I will say one thing though: don't ever be ashamed of who you are It's not you who needs to change, it's the people around you.
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